The Boxer

Most of us would avoid a full-blown fight with fists flying and abuse being hurled if we could, yet we often exist in 'fight mode' in our relationships, even when it doesn’t look that way on the outside. 

Fists may not be flying, but in our hearts and our minds, we are preparing to fight and just like a boxer entering the ring we are acutely aware of our partner's moves - especially the ones that provoke us even when we are not sure why. And I don’t mean physically violent moves. That is a different story.

I am talking here about the moves that hurt on the inside, like our partner walking away as we try to talk to them or when they make a slightly cutting remark or look at their phone while we try to catch their attention. With the vigilance of a boxer, we watch for those kind of moves and without pausing to ask why, we swing into action. 

We don’t hold a fist in glove up to our face in actual defence, but instead, we offer a sharp remark in return or we shrink into ourselves and harden our hearts a little or tell ourselves we don’t care and abruptly walk away. 

And like all good defensive moves, it invites another attack, like a raised voice that calls after you “why do you always walk away?” or a slammed door or a roll of the eyes as they walk the other way. Whatever move they make it feels like a “punch” and we respond without pausing for breath. We answer back with irritation in our voice or we rap loudly on the closed door or maybe we accuse them of ignoring us under our breath as we withdraw deeper into ourselves. 

Whatever move we choose, the match has begun. Punches are being thrown and no-one is listening to the sound of their own hearts.

No one is asking why it hurts when the other makes the move they do.

No one notices that they are in the ring not because they want to hurt each other but because they are longing for each other.

But, unlike the boxer, if we could pause long enough to touch this longing and to gently voice it instead of preparing for the next move, it might just be the beginning of a whole new sport - one where we are not out to win, but to learn to love one another.

The Power of Sorry

I remember it like it was yesterday, the moment I felt the power of the word “sorry”.

As soon as it came out of my mouth, the tension in the room melted, my heart warmed to a glow and my husbands’ face softened enough for me to see the sadness behind the anger that had flared only seconds before. He then lent towards me and said softly “it’s OK”, like he really meant it and gave my hand a squeeze before quietly leaving the room.

I was dumbfounded. Could it really be that simple? Did one word have the power to transform anger into love just like that?

My “sorry” was genuine, of course, so I knew he hadn’t just heard the words, he had felt them too. But still, it was just one simple word with only 5 letters in it, and yet the effect was instant! Not only was he soothed, so was I. My system was glowing. I felt a kind of weird elation like I had just discovered the power of a well-kept secret.

And here’s the thing, when I uttered the magic word, I knew I had done nothing wrong. In fact, when he had thrown his anger at me, there was a moment of disbelief. My heart had even started to pound and my muscles to tighten, as if I were preparing for battle.

But then something happened. I paused for a second and looked into his eyes. I saw his anger and felt his pain. I understood in that moment, that the cause was deeper than anything I could have done. And I felt truly sorry. Not sorry for my actions, but for all the experiences in his life where his radiance had gone unseen. And then the word just came out of my mouth. “Sorry” I said and like magic, the anger melted and we both laid down our arms.

As I stood in the room alone, reflecting on what had just happened, I was struck by how that brief pause had changed everything. In that moment, I had chosen to love, not to defend. And my intention had been felt. Far from feeling wronged, I felt like a Jedi Knight with a new found superpower. 

Did I decide later to go and tell my husband that, although I was sorry, I had actually been wrongly accused? I could have. His anger had gone and my truth would no doubt have been heard. But I didn’t. Only because it no longer mattered to me. I was too busy marveling at the power of “sorry”.

Hating your way to LOVE

So, it’s the start of a new year. We all want to feel better, be kinder and do the right thing. The pressure is on for goodness and positivity. All things negative are off the menu. But here’s the rub…

We are all human and as such we feel sadness, anger and even hate sometimes. This is especially true in our intimate relationships where we have moments, days or even weeks where we are full of rage. This is the natural order of things and yet we spend so much of our time, judging these feelings as bad or a sign that something is wrong, especially now as we will ourselves to start the new year on a good note. The irony is that in doing so, we not only reject our reality and our own humanness, we also end up making things worse.

The more we tell ourselves to feel good when we don’t, to love when we feel like hating, the more stressed and confused we become, the more rubbish we feel about ourselves and, to make matters worse, none of our efforts usually pay off. Instead, we find that in the end we are able to give less, love less and on it goes

Alternatively, if we cut ourselves a bit of slack and acknowledge that feeling fury sometimes is a natural, even essential part of relating, we find we can start to breathe easier. The less pressure we put on ourselves to be happy and loving when we are not feeling it, the more we can begin to relax and unwind simply because we are no longer resisting a feeling. As we do this, our negative emotions start to loosen their grip on us and before we know it, there is more space for all those loving vibes to find their way back in.

This was Bella’s* experience when she came to see me last week. She was at breaking point when the session begun and was ready to throw the towel in on her marriage. She told me how she had spent the weeks leading up to Christmas telling her husband how much she appreciated and loved him as she was so keen to keep the peace and to be a kind, loving wife. Underneath, however, she was full of a rage that found its way out eventually. “Things had been going fine, or so I thought” she said “but then he pushed me too far and I snapped. I told him I wanted out and now I can’t bear the sight of him”

As the conversation unfolded, she started to make sense of why she had been pushing down her rage, “I am always telling the kids I work with to be kind to each other and here I was having hateful feelings to the man I am supposed to love and it felt wrong”.

As she gave herself permission to feel the anger and to accept that having negative feelings towards the person you love is not only totally natural but also a useful window into our own hearts, she started to relax and unwind. “I feel like I can breathe for the first time in weeks” she said. “I can’t believe how much pressure I was putting on myself. It’s weird but now that I tell myself that it is Ok to feel angry, I suddenly can’t remember what I was angry about. I have less need to justify my feelings in my mind and to prove that I am right. It feels way less intense”

“And from this place” I said “ would you agree that whatever he may or may not have done he still deserves your love just as you deserve to feel rage sometimes”

“Oh yes” she said “definitely”.

“And, what happens when you think about your husband now?” I asked. 

Her face broke into a smile. “I feel more loving towards him than I have in weeks”

“That is what you call hating your way to love” I said.

 *names and small details have been changed to respect the anonymity of my client.

How to bring festive joy into our relationships

We all long for joy and harmony in our intimate relationship. When it is missing and there is tension and struggle in its place, we feel demoralised, short-changed and hard done by, especially at this time of year. We might even find ourselves fantasising about what our relationship could be like, if our partner wasn’t in it!

So, how do we make room for joy when we are feeling less than enamoured with our partners?  Firstly, we need to recognise that we can’t make our partners into something they are not. In fact, the more we try, the more joy will elude us and the more the tension will build.  No one changes because they are told to. Whenever we indicate to our loved ones that they are letting us down in some way or doing something wrong, unless we communicate it truly lovingly and take full responsibility for how we feel, they rarely agree. Instead they tend to feel criticised and defensive. Whether they show it openly or keep it to themselves, it is felt. There is a tightness in the air and no-one is listening.

So, if we can’t change our partner and tell them where they are going wrong, what can we do?

As a first step, we can let go of the myth that our partners are there to make us happy and that conflict and tension is unhealthy instead of being a natural and inevitable feature of any love relationship. Once we have freed ourselves from these myths (yes, I know it’s not that simple but we have to start somewhere) we can set about cutting our relationship and our partner some slack. Instead of blaming our partner, we can get creative about what we can do to feel merry ourselves.

Instead of waiting for our partner to make the right move and bring all that festive joy to the table, why not try something that makes you feel happy and warm inside. Take time to focus on what genuinely makes you happy and make space for it. Give that gift to yourself and when you feel a little bit of joy bubble up inside you as a result of that autumnal walk in the woods, that cycle ride, that beer with your best mate or that funny comedy that you made time to watch, get playful about what you can do to bring some of those good vibes to the table yourself. Take a little of that warmth you feel inside and share the love. Give your partner a kiss or cuddle, make them a cup of tea just the way they like it or cook them their favourite meal and, most importantly, do it with no expectations of getting something in return. Do it because you want to share some of that festive joy inside of you and watch how your partner responds. You never know, they may give you a little piece of joy back in the shape of a smile or they might simply feel more relaxed and open because they are not under the microscope for a change. They may even be more willing than usual to play a game of cards with you, laugh at your jokes and or even jump in the sack (not Santas one!). Aside from what they might do for you, simply watching them unwind and let go may bring more joy to your table than you thought. 

One thing is for certain, when we move towards our partner with love, whatever the challenges, something melts, tension dissipates and the door creaks open for a bit of joy to find its way in.

Has lockdown really created more conflict in our relationships?

Relationships are hard. In any real love relationship, conflict and tensions exist because there are two people in the equation with different needs and different inner worlds, unless you are in a polyamorous relationship, of course. 

Without conflict we do not butt up against these differences and learn about our partners raw edges, trigger points and general world views. Without conflict we are either in denial or we are floating around in an unrealistic bubble of seeming harmony. We call this the Romantic phase – the place where we create the illusion that we are one entity and that there are no obstacles in sight for our romance. This stage has less to do with real love than the subsequent phase - the Power struggle phase. It is then that conflict starts to show its face, and we can begin the process of really getting to know one another. Without it we are not tested, we are not required to dig deep and learn how to deal with the tensions between us constructively.  

I choose to see lockdown as synonymous with the Power struggle phase in that it has brought tensions to the surface that were simmering or brought onto the stage difficulties that were waiting in the wings. Far from creating conflict in our relationships, lockdown has brought them to light and reminded us that we can choose to let conflict take over or we can choose to grow and learn from it. It has forced us to prioritise the most important of human relationships – the intimate one. 

People are realising they can no longer run and hide, shut down or float in a bubble of denial. They have to work it out. They have to acknowledge the myriad ways in which we resist and hurt each other and get creative about expressing our differences in ways that stop resentment from taking over our hearts. This way we can weather the storm together when it comes. So, how do we do this? 

The conflict myth

We first need to first reject the myth that tussles and struggles are a sign of an unhealthy relationship. Disagreements and difficulties are a crucial step in forging a real loving relationship - one that requires daily work. Armed with this knowledge, we can make sure that we don’t throw the towel in at the first sign of a disagreement but instead use the discomfort as a catalyst to explore ways to build bridges. The more connected we are to our partners the better we are able to resolve conflict when it arises and arise it will!

So, how do we get more connected to our partner's? A good way to start is to train ourselves to notice the good traits in our partners. The default for many of us and the key precursor to divorce according to relationship scientist Dr. John Gottman, is our endless capacity to scan our partners for where they are going wrong.

As we start to change this habit and strive to look for the good in our partners, we notice the little resentments around our heart melt. Just the act of scanning our partner positively loops back to us and makes us feel warmer towards them and softer inside. And when we begin to share the results of our findings with our partners, it gets better. They feel appreciated, seen and acknowledged. And the good news is, the more we do it the easier it becomes, especially when we can see the bridge taking shape. Here are some specific ways you can make your partner feel appreciated….

• Try finding 2 or 3 good traits in your partner every day and don’t keep them to yourself, share your findings with them. 

• Write down your findings every day in a journal or on slips of paper and leave them somewhere you know they will find it.

•  Be specific in your missives. Let them know how their positive actions make you feel. You may say, “Honey, you may think I don’t notice that you take the rubbish out every day when you come in but I do. And I want you to know I really appreciate it. It makes me feel like I can depend on you and that is a big deal to me”. 

• Get creative. Make showering your partner with good vibes a project or a daily ritual and watch how they soften. 

• Schedule something fun you can do together that builds that bridge. Don’t use the time to raise issues in the relationship, just have fun.

What next?

When you are feeling sufficiently connected to your partner, that is a good time to bring up difficult issues. If you do it when the bridge is still shaky it usually back fires. 

Look out for my next blog, where I look at how we can deal difficult issues in a way that builds on the trust and positivity you have created, leaving you feeling more connected instead of exhausted and alienated from one another. Believe me, I know how that feels. I spent the first ten years of my marriage doing it all wrong, until I eventually got it right. A few years on, we still fall into old patterns from time to time, but mostly our fights or disagreements bring us closer together and each time we go a little deeper.

Give it a go and let me know how it goes. I would love to hear from you.