So, it’s the start of a new year. We all want to feel better, be kinder and do the right thing. The pressure is on for goodness and positivity. All things negative are off the menu. But here’s the rub…
We are all human and as such we feel sadness, anger and even hate sometimes. This is especially true in our intimate relationships where we have moments, days or even weeks where we are full of rage. This is the natural order of things and yet we spend so much of our time, judging these feelings as bad or a sign that something is wrong, especially now as we will ourselves to start the new year on a good note. The irony is that in doing so, we not only reject our reality and our own humanness, we also end up making things worse.
The more we tell ourselves to feel good when we don’t, to love when we feel like hating, the more stressed and confused we become, the more rubbish we feel about ourselves and, to make matters worse, none of our efforts usually pay off. Instead, we find that in the end we are able to give less, love less and on it goes
Alternatively, if we cut ourselves a bit of slack and acknowledge that feeling fury sometimes is a natural, even essential part of relating, we find we can start to breathe easier. The less pressure we put on ourselves to be happy and loving when we are not feeling it, the more we can begin to relax and unwind simply because we are no longer resisting a feeling. As we do this, our negative emotions start to loosen their grip on us and before we know it, there is more space for all those loving vibes to find their way back in.
This was Bella’s* experience when she came to see me last week. She was at breaking point when the session begun and was ready to throw the towel in on her marriage. She told me how she had spent the weeks leading up to Christmas telling her husband how much she appreciated and loved him as she was so keen to keep the peace and to be a kind, loving wife. Underneath, however, she was full of a rage that found its way out eventually. “Things had been going fine, or so I thought” she said “but then he pushed me too far and I snapped. I told him I wanted out and now I can’t bear the sight of him”
As the conversation unfolded, she started to make sense of why she had been pushing down her rage, “I am always telling the kids I work with to be kind to each other and here I was having hateful feelings to the man I am supposed to love and it felt wrong”.
As she gave herself permission to feel the anger and to accept that having negative feelings towards the person you love is not only totally natural but also a useful window into our own hearts, she started to relax and unwind. “I feel like I can breathe for the first time in weeks” she said. “I can’t believe how much pressure I was putting on myself. It’s weird but now that I tell myself that it is Ok to feel angry, I suddenly can’t remember what I was angry about. I have less need to justify my feelings in my mind and to prove that I am right. It feels way less intense”
“And from this place” I said “ would you agree that whatever he may or may not have done he still deserves your love just as you deserve to feel rage sometimes”
“Oh yes” she said “definitely”.
“And, what happens when you think about your husband now?” I asked.
Her face broke into a smile. “I feel more loving towards him than I have in weeks”
“That is what you call hating your way to love” I said.
*names and small details have been changed to respect the anonymity of my client.